I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t come and get you, I’m sorry I left so much of this up to you, I’m sorry I didn’t realize until much too late how much trouble you were in, and how little rational thinking you could still do. I’m sorry I didn’t protest enough. You were so far gone, and I let you down. How could I have done that to you? To us? Did I lose faith? Was I afraid? What the hell was I thinking?
I feel like I utterly failed to keep every promise I made to you, to be there for you, to help you, to protect you. I understand your choices were your own, your demons were your own, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have done more, seen more clearly…something, anything.
I completely dropped the ball, and I have no idea how to live with that.
Sometimes I can still hear you, still feel you. I know exactly what you think about my regrets. I know you understand why I feel that way, but I also know you don’t blame me. I know you would have done anything to spare me pain. Doesn’t change how I feel about it.
I know, if you’re still capable of feeling anything at all, that you feel terrible about what this has done to me. I don’t. I love you. It was an honor to have known you, greater still to have been loved by you. I know you love me still. Any price I have to pay now is worth it.
I love you, baby. Always.