Rant

screaming demon

“You have an extreme intolerance for a lot of things, the chief of which being bullshit.”
~Dustin to me, April 2012

The hardest action to take is sometimes no action at all.

Tonight is one of the difficult nights. I am tired and sad and frustrated; recent life events piled atop this grief have sapped my emotional resilience. Above all, I am angry.

Angry that I am sitting here alone when I should be curled against his side.

Angry that he died in fear and in despair.

Angry that I am struggling, and have always been struggling, on some level, in some way.

Angry that he and I were cheated out of our happily-ever-after, or at least a halfway decent shot at it.

Angry that I’ve regained all the weight I’ve lost.

Angry that among all the people I see in my daily life, there isn’t a single person I feel I can turn to.

Angryangryangry

I don’t feel attractive, sexy, or lovable. I know I can be a difficult person, and that I am an acquired taste, as it were. I am blunt and brutally honest and that’s often mistaken for cruelty; as he put it, I never sugarcoat anything. He knew all of this, and loved me for it, not in spite of it.

So tonight, when I want to send all the plates in the house spinning towards the walls, I am sitting here, trying to feel the anger and allow it to flow through me and around me, without acting on it. Observing it, letting it pass. Breathing.

But I still want to call bullshit on the Universe.

What did I ever do to deserve this? What did he? Why, when the two of us finally managed to find something beautiful and pure and noble and true, did it get ripped away?

Loving him was as easy as breathing. In his arms, moving together, was the most profound sense of belonging and joy and divinity I’ve ever known. And now my bed is stone cold, and what’s left of my heart has gone up in flames.

Stupid

Unfair

Cruel

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.
~Maya Angelou

I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be dark and twisted. So I will be angry, and I will burn, and in the end, I will be clean. Maybe not whole, maybe not better, but clean.

Clean, but still bereft, and still alone. Bullshit, Universe. Bullshit.

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Light A Candle

I don’t know if there are enough words to express the horror, the pain, the outrage over what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary.

Children, gone before they had a chance to live, cherished by their families, gone.

Adults, brave in the face of horror, trying to protect the tiny lives entrusted to them.

Mothers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers. Loved and cherished, every one of them.

Last May, I spoke to Dustin by phone. I told him I loved him, and how much. The next morning, he was gone.

Now is not the time to be afraid to express your feelings. Now is not the time to put off saying “I love you.” No one is promised tomorrow, so make the most of Now. You may not get another chance.

Hug your loved ones tighter. Be honest about how you feel. When faced with the ultimate horror, all other fears pale.

“People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Go, and glow for someone today.

Candle hands, copyright Wolf C. Stock photo.

Candle hands, copyright Wolf C.